This post provides a current version of my poetic testimony. The original version can be found in the archives or under the poetry tab “Hope After Heartbreak.”

I grew up going to church each Sunday. Learning Bible stories and how to pray. Sports were something I loved to do. Then when I was eleven I had injuries too. I broke my leg playing soccer one day, and a week later I fell down the steps at church on Mother’s Day. With a broken arm and leg, I was in a wheel chair. Wherever I went people would stare. I was determined to come back and play. Then I had to have surgery because my leg healed the wrong way. Pins and screws sticking out and in a lot of pain, battling an infection I went back to school on my birthday. A year to the day after the terrorist attacks, an interesting day to be welcomed back. Wheeled into school everyone cheered, I  remember trying to hold back tears. That was a very difficult year, I had to learn to walk again and face my fears.

I was able to return and play sports, running up and down fields and courts. When I got to high school I had to deal with more injuries, surgeries and how they made me feel. Physical pain was hard to get through, but the emotional pain caused great difficulty, too. Honestly, emotional pain has been harder for me, because it is something people can’t see.

My family didn’t have a lot financially, thank you to everyone who supported me. My sophomore year of high school I had to have surgery on my wrist, where a plate and 7 screws to this day are fixed. Later that summer I tore my ACL, when I collided with the catcher going after a foul ball. I wasn’t able to play sports my junior year, I struggled with my identity and stuffed my fears. I dealt with abuse but not in the best way, I didn’t know what to do but pray.

I was able to play softball in college for a year, but herniated a disc in my back and was paralyzed by fear. I couldn’t move my foot and had to have surgery, I didn’t know if I would be able to walk properly. I wore a brace that held my foot in place, I’ve had many nights of nerve pain but got through them by God’s grace.

My sophomore year of college I had an infection in my knee, from the screws that were placed there from my ACL surgery. I was on IV antibiotics but was still able to go to school, this was a difficult time for me too. I switched majors and was trying find my identity, I was struggling so much emotionally. Though I knew many people I was empty inside, I never heard an answer when I asked God why.

I suffered with depression, I wanted help. I didn’t know how to help myself. The Lord blessed me with an intelligent mind, but sometimes I felt like I was going through life blind. Why couldn’t I get rid of these lies in my head? I would hear that I would be better off dead. My faith has been what’s got me through many trials. I’m thankful that God loves me as a child. He doesn’t condemn or put me to shame. He knows everything about me; he knows my name.

I graduated college in 2012, and entered again the upcoming fall. In December 2012 I had  brain surgery. This was the hardest season for me. Multiple times I had cerebral spinal fluid leaks. I fought infections and was in pain continuously. I ended up having 4 surgeries and spending 39 days in a hospital in Chicago where all I could do was lay. I tried to stay positive but it wasn’t easy to do. I’m thankful for friends and family that helped me through.

My mom sacrificed much and drove me to class, I had no idea how long this would last. I couldn’t walk on my own, it was so hard. Often I wondered why I was dealt these cards. But I wouldn’t give up, I chose to persevere. It’s a miracle I’m alive, that I’m still here. I had a car accident that left me very sore. I didn’t know if I could handle much more. My car rolled going 70 miles per hour on the highway, I can’t believe I was released to go home the same day. I deal with pain and daily headaches, but God’s love brought me hope through all the heartbreaks.

I graduated with my masters in speech pathology, I worked for a year in three schools struggling internally. I made it to the summer and as the new school year came to a start, I was still struggling to be ok deep down in my heart. I couldn’t handle anything else happening to me, then I was t-boned by a F-150. My car was totaled and my career came to a halt.  I felt like I wasn’t strong enough and it was all my fault. I did everything I could, but I couldn’t get back. What did I do wrong to go off track. As the weeks and months continued to pass, I found myself wondering how long this would last. 

I decided I needed to face my fears and admit that life had taken a toll on me over the years. It’s ok to admit you are hurting inside. It doesn’t mean you are weak or that you didn’t try. Don’t worry what others think if you cry. As you work through the pain, you’ll be better on the other side. 

As I continue on my journey, crossroads await. But that doesn’t deter me from trusting God in faith. I don’t understand, but that’s ok. I can rest assured God’s with me today. Whether the sun is shining or it is grey. He will help me through the decisions that need to be made.